A Lullaby for Caelie Marie
by her mother
Sleep, my baby, sleep
Safe here in my arms
Mommy’s here and Daddy’s here
We will keep you from harm
So darling…
Sleep, little one, sleep
All your pain has passed
Time suspends in our embrace
You are safe in my arms at last
Did you have Daddy’s eyes?
Did you have Mommy’s smile?
What did you wish you could say to us
Of your life?
Oh, my love
Sleep, my baby, sleep
Love bleeds from my soul
With one kiss I am undone
You have given us more than you know
Did you have Daddy’s eyes?
Did you have Mommy’s smile?
What words can say what you mean to me?
All my life
All my love
So, sleep, sweet angel sleep
Loved true from the start
Peace is yours forever now
You will always be safe
In my heart.
HEALING IS DIFFICULT
My belly had collapsed into its own emptiness
and blood, breast milk, and tears were flowing from
me
I was being drained of life
and for that I was glad
I felt I had died with my daughter
I was angry to still be alive.
But life did not leave me entirely
though I begged it to with all of my heart
And the wreckage of my body began to regain its form
The milk realized its uselessness and dried up
The blood slowed, then stopped
Only the tears continued their flow
though they seemed to drain me less and less each
time.
The ache and longing are still present now
but in a less suffocating way
And sometimes her pictures make me smile a little
before I break down and cry.
I guess you could call that healing
but I know I don't feel healed.
There will always be a gaping emptiness
in the Madeline-sized hole in my heart
But lately, sometimes, on sunny days
when I'm lying in the grass
and I feel the stir of new life inside of me
I realize that while I still miss her desperately
And though I still hate that this is my life
I'm not always so angry to be alive anymore.
JANUARY FOURTH
Concerned
Nervous
Anxious
Uncertain
Concerned
Why are they worried?
What's going on?
Kind of excited
I love ultrasounds
Is something wrong?
Their faces are frozen
Worried, just a little
BAM
I'm so sorry
She's dead
It washes over me
Drags me under
She's dead
She's dead
Dizzy
Disbelief
No
NO
Do it again
They turn the monitor
I look
But I can't see
I'm gone
So is she
Dizzy
Dizzy
Nothing makes sense
Wait here
Richy's coming
Here is a gown
No
NO
I stay in my clothes
He's here
He's crying
Now I can cry
Maybe I'll kill myself
I wish I knew how
Confused
Scared
Complete disbelief
What are they asking of me?
I have to labor?
She needs to come out?
No
NO
This is all wrong
I want to go home
I want to die
Please make it stop
Why won't it just stop?
Silence
Resolve
Utter disbelief
I detach from my body
They do things to that girl
I guess that she's me
IV, Pitocin, Catheter
I don't care
Water breaks
Muscles contract
I don't feel them
Are they even mine?
Baby is coming
One last push
No
I won't
You'll take her from me
Keep her inside
She's safe with her mommy
No choice
No control
My body betrays me
She's out
She is dead
They say it was a girl
Has she stopped being one?
She is a girl
I know
She's my daughter
I hold her
I love her
They take her away
I fall
Down
Down
Down
Days pass
Shock lifts
Disbelief stays
Pain comes
Piles of it
More every day
It crushes me
Darkness
Darker than darkness
Engulfs me
I stare for hours
The lights stay off
There's nothing to see
I ache
I long
I die every morning
I cry myself to sleep
I awake
I die again
I hurt and hurt and hurt
It doesn't stop
Time does not heal
This will not heal
I will just learn to breathe through the pain
But I don't want to breathe
I don't want to heal
I just want to wake up on Thursday
And start over again
The
Bereaved Mother
To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed
in the baby department,look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.
To those of you who change the subject when I speak
my child's name, change your way of thinking.
It may just change your whole life.
To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely
had them at all, how
could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have
seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their
first steps, first day of school, their weddings,
and their children. We have had them forever in our
minds.
To those who say we can have another, even if we had
twenty more they would never be the child we lost,
and we will always miss them.
To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is
a different life, the
life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous
amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot
to mourn the loss of.
Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many
forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She
may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart throbs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she
works, she IS, but she is
NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her
is elsewhere for eternity.
Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the
future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are
watching over you.
Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.
~ Author Unknown
Dylan's
Mommy ©
Forget me not
My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in
time
A mother's love does not forget
~Elaine
