Sad tonight...

I found out that I was pregnant about two months ago. I was so excited and happy. I had an iternal ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw the tiny little baby on the screen with the smallest little heart ticking and beating away. His little heart rate was 113...the sounded a bit slow...it should have been in the 120s or so. The technition told me not to worry and that the heart beat would get faster in a few weeks. I was very sick when I was pregnant...I was home trying to take the best of care of myself but the baby was doing fine b/c they can survive off of ur body fat and just need the food that you can down when they are that small. Being so sick reminded my everyday that I was pregnant and I kept thinking how good that felt and that it was all worth it...time went by so slow to me I kept thinking only 6 more moths untill I can see my baby's face and hold it safely in my arms. I had no bleeding and no problems so I asumed all was well. I had a doctors appointment on monday we went in and I heard the little one heart beat for the very first time. The sound brought tears to my eyes. I went through the week happy and awaiting the days to pass. That wed. my pregnancy symptoms had stoped. No more vomiting...you would think this is a good thing but it left me insecure. I was jst about done with the first trimeter of pregnancy so I kept thinking...maybe that is it. As a precautionary measure I had went to the doc. I had complained of some very mild cramping earlier in the week but they said that my uterus was just stretching. I came in friday morning and they checked me out. They said...theres no blood. They got the doppler and listened and couldnt find a heartbeat but they said that the baby was small and maybe that was why but I was now very concerned. The doc said "I'll order an ultrasound...i'm sure everythings ok but to calm your worries we will do one and probably send you home." They did an ultra sound and I saw my baby who had grown and the sight of his little eyes and head and baby shape made me feel so happy. But something wasnt right, this time he wasn't moving. But I tried to deny it in my mind. The doctor came in an hour later and told me "bad news no heart beat". Those words hit you with shock...and pain. I wanted for that to be a joke, I didn't want to belive that. It took me a minute but I belived it. Right after he told me he moved onto talking about how I will miscarry on my own or I can have a d&e. I choose to try naturally but it didnt work on its own and they were concerned I would get an infection so today I had a d&e.All weekend I cried anc cried trying to let the sadness out but it wont just go away. Everyone told me in a few days ill be back to normal but its so easy for them to say...but I know I will always have this little sadness in the back on me remembering the baby I never got to meet. I want my baby's body to rest peacefully so I have decided to have a private burial for the remains of my baby's body. At only 21 days they have alittle heartbeat...at the end of the first trimester (when my baby was lost) the baby has almost all of its parts it needs to function...ears, eyes little hands..feet. I dont think they should be throwen away as waste if you want to burry your baby...This choice makes me feel much better. And i'll always try to remember that my baby is watching from above with all of the other little angel babies.