Victoria's Story

My name is Catherine Benahm. My fiance's name is Nicholas Bower. We were at the Walk to Remember this past year at Greenfield. It was very beautiful. We were honored to be a part of it….I wanted to share the story of our little angel, Victoria Anne Bower..... Yesterday, 2/25/09 , marked her 8 month angelversary... It's been very hard for Nick and I. It was June 22nd 2008, a beautiful sunny Sunday. I was headed to my babyshower. I was 36 weeks pregnant and our little darling Victoria Anne was due to arrive in 3 weeks! My fiance Nick and I were so excited to become new parents! The thought of us having a baby, made us a family, a loving family. We weren't by far the only excited ones. Our families were so happy that Nick and I found each other and we were getting ready to embark on a new life together, as a family! Pink and Brown. That was the color combination I picked for Victoria's room. The babyshower was so much fun. Victoria received so many beautiful things! She was so spoiled and had not even graced us with her presence yet. That night, after I got home and all of Victoria's presents were inside, Nick and I sat in her room and I showed him everything she was given. We pretty much had her nursery completed. We were very ready for her arrival. On Monday, I had to work my normal 10 hour shift. Its not bad, I live where i work, so there's no commute for me. Through-out the day, I continued to get all of Victoria's clothes hung, and baby seats put together. I actually needed help, those things are tricky. The next day, was Tuesday, June 24th . My cousin's birthday. I had my routine check up that day around 1pm. Nick wasn't able to go with me that day; he had to work. This would be the first time he couldn't go to the doctor's with me, and neither could anyone else, so I braved it alone. I was in my last trimester! I was excited! Well, when I woke that morning, my 10 year old ferret Trynity was having seizures in her cage, and I had to rush her to the vet, and had no choice but to put her to sleep. I sat there, with her in my arms, and rubbed her tiny little head and body until she drifted into blissfull peace. My goodness, the sadness that overwhelmed me. She was like my daughter. I had her for 10 years! We had been through so much together. I called eveyone crying my eyes out, as I was on my way to the doctor's to have my checkup. As I entered the doctor's office, with my red tear filled eyes, I told everyone what had happend and how awful of a day I had, but enlightened the story with the beautiful babyshower I just had! I went back into the room after patiently awaiting my turn. I layed down on the table, and my midwife Melissa put that cold little microphone on my belly to hear Victoria's heart beat. But something was wrong. There was no heart beat. I was rushed down the hall, my doctor's office is inside the hospital. I sat there and waited for a while to be called back to get an indepth ultrasound done. Hopefully thinking Victoria was just turned funny, and we couldn't get a heart beat. It felt like it took forever to get in that room. Once I laid on the bed, and the tech got us up on going, she just looked at me, and shook her head. Right then and there I knew, my life as a mommy, was gone. I had lost victoria forever. I cried my eyes out laying there on that bed... I cried so much, I almost threw up. There would be no daddy's little girl, or mommy's princess.... that quick, it was all over... I went back to my doctors office and made that dreadful phone call to Nick to tell him we lost Victoria. I called everyone. I went out in the parking lot to get out of there for a while. My aunt was the first to arrive... when she hugged me, I fell to my knees and lost it ... Once Nick got there, my midwife Melissa came out to tell us what our optionns were. We really didn't have any to be honest. We went upstairs and I was induced. My mom and nick stayed there the entire night. Finally, after a long night of contractions, on June 25th, at 11:52am I gave birth to our beautiful angel Victoria Anne Bower. She was the most beautiful little girl I had evey laid eyes on. She was the perfect mixture of Daddy and I. I had to have natural child birth. My platelets were very low and my white blood cell count was very high. It was a very painful and very tragic experience for us both. We had a very beautiful funeral for her. He casket was snow white and Daddy picked out a toy he won for her and it was placed at her feet. Victoria was also buried with a bracelet Daddy bought for her and I, they were matching. During her viewing, I gently placed it on her wrist. I have been under doctor care for insomnia, post tramatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety since I lost Victoria. It's been a very rough road for us. The road to recovery is a very long and painful journey. But in the end, we will be with her again. The pain that I still endure today is sometimes unbareable. I am 28 years old, a mother, and childless. There is a void in my heart and soul that will never be filled again. I still cry to this day, I dream of her every night; she is always on my mind. I am yet to find healing. I know I will someday, and so will Nick. Until that day, we have each other to hold onto. We have a true angel in heaven. We have started to plan our wedding. We will be getting married on October 9th of this year. Its saddening to know that when I was pregnant, I was imagining Victoria being our flower girl.. She will not be there physically, but she will be there , she's always in my heart, she will be there. The Lord is close to the heartbroken and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18 I love you Victoria Anne Mommy misses you so much..RIP my darling angel