My Story

I can't believe my little one is gone. He was born at 38 wks and 5 days old, Weighing 7lb 3oz. His name is Robert Richard Dale Hope(Robbie). His due date was April 5th. There were so many complications with my pregnancy. First was the RH negative factor, many ultrasounds and many blood tests and many visits to Fetal Assessment Floor at the IWK. He was growing slowly but began to thrive and grow with each day. Weeks went by and he was doing well. Growing fast and the levels were reasonable. By March 20th, I wasn't feeling so great. My husband was out of town on business and I was on bed rest till my Routine check-up and my family Doctor was going to swipe my membranes on March 26th. By Easter, I was so tried and the baby was not kicking as he normally does. I felt scared. I would drink orange juice because that normally worked but nothing. Wednesday I was so tried and sick. My blood pressure was up and my feet were swollen more and more each day. (I had trouble with my blood pressure in last weeks of son's death). It began to get worse and we headed to Drs. She took the Doppler for twenty minutes trying to find a heart beat, but nothing. I was worried and I knew in my gut, he passed away The Doctor told us to go to hospital. It was a long trip this time. It felt like eternity. The nurses and Drs got the Ultrasound machine out and checked for a heart beat. There wasn't anything. I screamed,"No not my baby!!!!". From there, they put me on meds for my high blood pressure and started my labor. They started from 6pm March 26th, and I had him 1318 on March 27th. I was very ill at the time of giving birth. They put me on some IV drug to help my blood pressure. I had a fever and was vomiting and nausea, the whole night. Nothing could stop the fever and the shakes. By late afternoon, I had Robbie. He was so beautiful. He looked so much like his sister. We got pictures done and a memory box made up from the Nurses. I was in the hosp for 4 days after the baby. I couldn't put my heart to opening the box. It hurt too much. In time we would opened it. , After funeral April1 st, I ended up in Emerg with high blood pressure of 210/110. I was rushed by Ambulance to IWK. I was in the hosp for another 4 days till my blood pressure was under control. It has been a rough battle with my physical health as well as my mental health. My heart has been going through such a roller coaster of emotions. I'm surprised I lived to tell my story. I'm blessed and have the opportunity to do so. Maybe my life, I can help others with the similar experiences and loss. We received are autopsy report in 4 wks, which I'm not surprised. A lot of people looking for answers wait weeks or months or never. I guess I was the lucky one to find out what had happen to my baby Robbie. It wasn't my fault. I did blame myself through the last 4 week. I know now, it wasn't my fault. His cord was abnormally long, as well as his placenta. The cord was 75 cm, when it should've been shorter. Cord tied a true knot and after he passed, the placentas tore and bleed, causing my blood pressure to raise out of control. One week later, after the reports, his pictures came in. It was such a sad day. I lost all memory of what he looked like. He looked perfect. My body is healing slowly. I have many appointments to see many Doctors and specialists. I know I'm taking care of me and loving me again. I need to nurture the side I have been putting on the back burner . At night, I think I still have Robbie in my arms, but I realize when I wake up; he is not in that basinet, we made for him. Mother's Day was heart breaking Day at my church, but I got through it. I went to his graveside but the headstone wasn't in placed, so we had no idea if the flowers we put down, were his . I put down flowers and a butterfly, which I found the meaning on a site and it describes it Symbolism: "The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death. " I thank my Pastor, who visit me in the hospital and prepared my sons funeral. My Pastor prayed for me that night and also my church members. That night, while I was leaving the washroom, I felt a presence I never felt before. A hand went across my shoulders to hug me. I knew it was some higher being. I smiled and walk slowly to my bed. Natashia Hope Nova Scotia, Canada